fleeting thoughts

Woke up this morning,thinking of the quote that I just posted a while ago. “Destined for greatness” Hmm…well, am I? Feet on the floor, anxiety suddenly engulfed me. What had I achieved in my thirty something span of life?? I turned back and stared at the empty bed.

“There should be someone here by my side..” I shook my head. “I’m decent,not all that bad looking,(I reckon) ,can cook a mean bowl of chilli and I’m tall and sassy!”

Well,Miss Sassy,get off your behind and get to your day already! Quick shower,breakfast of fried plantain (yeah yeah…I’m East African,no need to frown…) & orange juice ,and It hits me! Its lazyday..aka Sunday. The day when I plonk on the couch in my tees and watch Nollywood all day, while eating my favourite vanilla yoghurt. I check my watch,heck,I’m already late for church,so indoors it is.

PC on,emails perused through,tv on with muted sound in the background,and a small voice in my head tells me” You are the sum of the choices that you have made”. I keep still. If that is so,then hmmmm… The Lord have mercy on me. Not to say that I’m perfect,(I have had a really cantankerous youth) but blimey!!…..if I knew what I know now when I was 20..I would have probably been on an entirely different journey by now. Then again,they say,everything happens for a reason.

Fast forward to five pm when all that is showing on Kenyan television is an array of weddings so perfect,they seem wrong. Happy grooms and blissful brides, roses and lilies, some red,some gold. Some cheesy,some elegant. Why then does watching all this make me afraid? Yes…I said it. Afraid. Why? I know not. Maybe I’m afraid that at my age I may not get married. Maybe its the thought that very few marriages seem to work nowadays. Maybe I’m afraid of marrying the wrong person(that would be totally disastrous). Despite the fear though,there’s such a longing to find that perfect man for me. Longing for a cute small beach wedding..longing for a simple champagne coloured wedding dress,paired with bright red painted toenails on beaded sandals. Yes,I want the fantasy…I’m a Kenyan bride to be.